


Letter Never Sent

by regardinglove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Castiel, Ficlet, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Past Relationship(s), Tumblr, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 13:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8447488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regardinglove/pseuds/regardinglove
Summary: It all began with a series of flirty anon messages in his inbox one day, which turned into something almost profound over time. A year after the first message was sent, Dean’s almost positive that he’s fallen hard for someone he’s never met, on Tumblr no less. He wants to tell this person how he feels, but there’s one problem. He’s been in love with his best friend Cas for years, and will need to get over him before he can truly move on.But what happens when things aren’t what they seem, and Dean meets “Angel” in person?





	

 

There are three things in his life that Dean wants to keep a secret.

1\. He watches Doctor Sexy on the regular and has never missed an episode.

2\. He liked how he looked in Rhonda Hurley’s pink satin panties so much that he bought a pair of his own after they broke up.

3\. He’s probably, possibly, okay, really in love with a guy who he met on Tumblr.

Dean knows how cliché it is. Fall for some guy you’ve never met in person? Who is he, a character in ‘You’ve Got Mail?’

But Dean can’t deny that he’s in love with angelcake67. How else can one describe the way his heart races in his chest when he sees the little ‘1’ hovering above his inbox, or the way a smile bursts across his face when a ‘ping!’ rings out from his computer speakers? And if that isn’t enough proof, Dean has a thousand other reasons written down on a piece of paper that’s tucked away under his mattress. He’s in love with the guy because besides Sam, he knows more about Dean’s true self than anyone else. To Angel (Dean’s not-so-clever codename for the man), he’s not Dean, the star baseball player for Lawrence University, or the nurturing older brother to Sam, or the cocky womanizer every girl on campus takes him for. No, for Angel he can stop putting on personas and just let everything be. Angel knows him for his Star Trek blog, his love of math, his dorky text posts that he thinks up while he should be studying in the library. He knows many of Dean’s deepest insecurities, like his fear of his father ever finding out about his bisexuality, of his guilt over not doing enough for Sammy, of if he’s being selfish by enrolling at Lawrence U at all.

And Dean knows a lot about Angel, also. He knows that Angel’s from a religious family who would clutch their pearls and faint if they ever found out he’s not only asexual, but biromantic too. He remembers Angel telling Dean that he hates PB&J sandwiches after an ex-girlfriend fed them to him all the time. And perhaps the most important thing of all is Dean knows that Angel’s loved him for a long while, maybe ever since the first time he went on anon and asked Dean if he liked pie.

On paper, everything looks perfect, and the next step should be easy. Meeting in person is a topic they’ve talked about many times, but Dean’s never gotten up the nerve to go through with it. He cites not being good enough as his excuse, but Dean knows the truth. There is one clear, obvious reason why he’s hesitant to meet Angel.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean glances up from his laptop and blushes when Cas comes through their dorm room door.

Ah, yes. The true reason that Dean can’t commit to Angel is right in front of him, dressed in that god-awful trench coat he insists on wearing everywhere over ragged jeans and an AC/DC t-shirt.

“Hiya, Cas,” Dean mutters under his breath, eyes flicking back to the unanswered message in his inbox. Angel has once again requested that they meet, and now Dean’s cursor is just mockingly blinking on the screen as he tries to think of another excuse against it.

Cas peels off his trench and toes off his boots, then walks across the carpet until he’s looming right over Dean’s back. “Talking to Angel again?” Cas says lowly, and Dean can’t hide the blush that rises to his cheeks. Usually he tries to keep his conversations with Angel away from Cas, but it never seems to work. Ever since Cas walked in on him laughing hysterically at his laptop one day and found out about Angel, he hasn’t gone a day without asking Dean about him, wondering if they ever are going to cross the line and meet face to face.

“Uh, yeah. He’s talkin’ about coming down to Lawrence next week,” Dean explains, turning in his chair so he can see Cas’s face. What he finds is an expression caught between amusement and hilarity, and for a quick second Dean wonders if there’s a joke here that he doesn’t get.

Cas brushes a lone piece of hair off of his forehead and smiles softly at him. “And? Do you plan on meeting this mystery man at last?”

Dean rubs the back of his neck and glances at his knees. “I dunno.”

“Why not?” Cas asks, pulling up a chair from the nearby desk. “If he’s anything like you’ve told me, then he’s perfect for you. What is holding you back?”

It takes everything in Dean to not blurt out the truth, that the reason he’s been putting off this entire ordeal is because he’s not only smitten by Angel, but is completely, one hundred percent in love with Cas, too.

The Cas thing is complicated at best. There was a time when Dean could’ve bet a thousand bucks that Cas had feelings for him, back when they were awkward freshman at Lawrence U who just happened to get roomed together. The way he could catch Cas glancing at him from behind his books was his first indicator, followed by a blush that would rise to his cheeks whenever he’d walk in on Dean changing. And when Cas came out as “not exactly straight”, Dean was positive that the feelings he felt for Cas weren’t as one-sided as he once believed, and he had a whole plan on how to tell Cas about how over the past year he’d fallen hard and wanted to take things to the next level.

But then Cas dated. A lot.

First it was Meg, a girl who at first seemed like the devil incarnate but actually turned out not to be half bad, followed by Balthazar, a British student who drove Dean up a wall with his nefarious snark and tendency to walk around their dorm room naked. He was followed by Bartholomew, Hannah, Crowley. Each one lasting less than the person before them.

Dean tried to be fine with the line of lovers Cas brought back with him. He pushed down any wayward feelings for Cas as he went out and dated other people, hoping that someone could fill the empty space in his heart where he truly believed Cas belonged. And yet, after a handful of dates and one night stands, no one really fit the Cas shaped space. The only woman who got close was Cassie Robinson. They went out for almost a year, talked about families and marriage even, but eventually she could tell that he wasn’t as into it as she was. They broke up quickly after Cas and Crowley did, and left with any chance Dean thought he had at moving on past Cas and his unrequited love for him.

Lo and behold though, a week later Angel came into his life, fulfilling the space Dean never thought would be filled and letting Dean forget that he’s already in love with someone else.

Angel made Dean feel accepted and loved, never questioned him when he ranted about baseball practices being rough or Dad calling him out of the blue, drunk and incoherent. He could always plan on Angel being there when Cas was on a date with someone else, and listened when Dean wrote long, babbling messages about Meg or Balthazar or whoever Cas was going out with at the time. Angel quickly became a pillar for Dean, the best part of his day outside of waking up to Cas’s early morning rants about the bee population. He would eagerly check his Tumblr for a new message, grin at Angel’s responses and try not to let his disappointment emulate on days when Angel didn’t message back. It took eight months of talking for Dean to realize that he’d fallen for a guy who’s real name he didn’t even know.

“Dean?” Cas asks again, and Dean jumps back to the present.

“Oh, right,” Dean replies belatedly, trying to remember what Cas asked him before he zoned out. “Uh...what did ya ask again?”

Cas raises an eyebrow and says, “I asked why you’re putting off meeting Angel in person. He’s asked you three times now, right?”

“Four,” Dean mutters under his breath, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. “This is the fourth time he’s asked.”

“And?”

“And...I’m afraid to meet him, okay? What if...what if I’m not good enough?” Dean admits, eyes downcast and lips pulled into a grimace. “I mean, Angel’s funny and smart, probably attractive on top of it all. I’m not any of those things. What if I’m not what he’s expecting?”

Cas goes quiet next to him and for a quick second, Dean wonders if Cas agrees with him. Does Cas think that Dean’s not good enough for Angel too? Should he just end this whole thing before it even begins?

But then Cas reaches over and grabs Dean’s shoulder, and the next thing he knows he’s staring into Cas’s incredibly blue eyes, train of thought lost.

“You listen, Dean Winchester. Angel is the lucky one here. Even if you don’t believe it, you are funny and smart and...attractive, too.” His cheeks flush at the last word and Dean tries to hide the cocky grin that wants to fight its way to his lips. “When you meet Angel, unless he is truly an idiot he will see all of those things. Don’t let fear get in the way.”

“You really think that?” Dean asks with an eyebrow raised in question.

Cas nods quickly, pushing up from his chair in the process. “Certainly. Now, tell Angel that you’re going to meet him after your baseball game this weekend and get it over with. I can’t watch you mope around this room much longer,” he teases with a grin.

Dean growls under his breath when Cas knocks his hip into his arm as he walks by, then turns back to his computer with sweat dewing on his forehead. Cas is right; he’s been putting it off forever and for what? In hopes of Cas declaring his love for Dean one day? That’s clearly not going to happen anytime soon, so what is he waiting for?

Before he can change his mind, Dean’s fingers fly over the keyboard and hit ‘enter’. He rereads his request to meet at the Lawrence U baseball game five times, and after a while Dean begins to wonder if it was a big mistake. What if Angel doesn’t come? Or worse, what if he does and doesn’t like Dean as he is? The possibilities of what could occur rampage through his thoughts, but a ‘ping!’ from his computer shuts them all up.

_I’d love that. Look for the guy wearing a blue vest. I’ll see you after the game._

_xoxo_

 

* * *

 

Dean’s week is filled with nerves.

He can’t shake the feeling that meeting Angel is going to go wrong, and it looms over him in everything he does. His pitching is off at practice on Monday, and Coach Bobby yells at him for letting his teammates score three home runs. His calculus exam is a bust, and Professor Mills just tsks under her breath when she slides the C- paper back to him on Tuesday. Wednesday is filled with insecurity when he meets up with Sam for their weekly lunch at the Roadhouse, and even Ellen comments on him acting weird when he refuses her offer of a free burger. By the time Thursday rolls around, Dean’s pretty sure he’s going to gnaw his nails down to the beds by Saturday.

“Dean, you need to calm down,” Cas berates him from behind the counter, placing his muffin order in front of him.

“How can I be calm?” Dean asks with wide eyes as he plucks the muffin from the plate and peels off the paper lining. “I’m meeting a guy I’m probably head over heels for; you’d be nervous too if it were you.”

Again, Cas smiles like he has his own little secret and pulls his rag from his apron pocket. “Yes, but you’re beyond nervous. I’ve never seen you this anxious in our four years of knowing one another.”

Dean takes a bite of the muffin and closes his eyes at the taste. Blueberry juice explodes in his mouth along with the crumbly cake, and he doesn’t even try to hide the animalistic moan that escapes from his lips. “Damn, Cas. Tell Gabe that this is his best work yet,” he mumbles around the snack, only opening his eyes again once his bite is swallowed. What he finds is Cas blushing profusely behind the counter, fingers carding through his hair.

“Actually, I baked that this morning,” he admits with a smile.

Dean gapes at him. “No way. Cas, you never told me you could bake like this!”

Cas shrugs like it’s nothing and begins wiping Dean’s crumbs into his hand. “You never asked.”

He frowns at that and takes another bite of muffin. Now that he thinks about it, Cas is quite the private guy, and never reveals too much about himself unless Dean digs for it. For example, clearly Cas is into guys and girls, his never ending line of dates speaks to that, but what does he identify as? Dean’s never asked, and Cas has never clarified, either. He’s a master baker, but what else can he do that Dean doesn’t know about? Can he bake other desserts like pie? His mind wanders to images of apple filling when Cas waves a hand in front of his face, bringing him back.

“You have nothing to worry about, Dean,” Cas says in a low voice when one of his coworkers brushes by, and Dean feels a misplaced ping of jealousy when she smiles at Cas from the coffee maker.

“Easy for you to say; you’ve got people fallin’ for you left and right,” he mutters bitterly as he lays the muffin down, eyeing the gaggle of girls in the café’s corner who are ogling Cas and giggling to themselves. “Angel’s the most action I’ve gotten since Cassie. What if it doesn’t work out?”

“It will.”

“How do you know? I’m nothing compared to him, Cas!”

Cas leans forward on the palms of his hands and glares at Dean harshly. “When will you realize that you’re worthy?” he murmurs under his breath.

“Of what?”

“...Everything,” Cas exclaims lowly, and Dean’s left without words at Cas’s intensity.

He probably would’ve argued back, let Cas know that he’s the least worthy of them all, but Gabriel appears from the back room and smugly smiles when he finds them engrossed in conversation.

“I don’t wanna break up the lovefest here fellas, but I’ve got customers to feed and you’re blocking traffic,” Gabriel says, pointing to the line of people waiting for Cas to take their order.

“Shit. Didn’t think we’d been talkin’ that long.” Dean pulls his gaze away from Cas’s and pushes up from his chair. “Uh, sorry about that. I’ll let Cas get back to work.”

“Yeah, you better. Cassie’s worthless as a cashier when you’re around,” Gabriel calls as he waltzes away into the back room, and Dean takes that as he cue to leave.

“I’ll see you back at the dorm?” he asks as he plucks a five dollar bill from his pocket and lays it down in front of Cas.

Cas nods and grins at him, picking up the remains of Dean’s unfinished treat. “Yes, I will.”

Dean turns on the heel of his boot and is about to open the door when hears, “Wait!”

He turns towards Cas and raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Cas fumbles a little before blurting out, “You deserve to be saved, remember that.”

Dean feels tingles rise on the back of his neck, but Cas gets caught up with a customer before he can respond. Instead, Dean waves to Cas halfheartedly as he turns towards the door and lets the cool, fall air rush over his too warm skin as he walks outside. Being there, with Cas telling him that he deserves to be saved just brings on a whole new wave of insecurity. What if Angel can’t make Dean feel wanted like Cas can? What if he’s giving up on Cas ever loving him too early?

Dean groans and falls against a brick building, hand coming up to run over his face. What the hell is he gonna do?

 

* * *

 

When Saturday comes at long last, Dean goes back and forth all day on if he’s going to go through with meeting Angel.

One part of him desperately wants to see this mystery man in person, have a face and name to go along with his own moniker. Another part of him desperately wants to hold out and ask Cas point blank if there’s ever any chance of them being together before he takes this next step with Angel. Each argument has its own merits, and by the time Dean’s baseball game rolls around he’s just downright confused about the whole thing.

He’s glad that Coach Singer gave him an ultimatum a few days ago. Unless Dean “gets his head out of his ass” for today’s game, he’s gonna be benched for the rest of the postseason, and there is no way in hell he’s gonna miss out on the championship games over anyone.

It makes Dean push all his relationship drama aside as he walks onto the freshly mowed field. The roars of the crowd and beaming lights overhead fill him with a charge he hasn’t felt since last year’s postseason final, and it takes no effort at all to fall into his carefully placed persona of “baseball superstar”. He flashes a cocky grin at the fans while he warms up with Benny, throwing the ball as fast as he possibly can to impress them. And when he takes his place at the pitcher’s mound and gets into game mode, he completely forgets that Angel’s out there in the audience, eagerly awaiting their long overdue meeting.

The game goes better than Dean expected. Adams isn’t the best team in the college league, but they certainly aren’t the worst, either. Dean has to work hard, throwing curveballs and fake outs again and again when he’s brought in during the seventh inning. They manage to get through eight innings with Adams only scoring once to Lawrence’s four, and by the top of the ninth Dean’s arm feels like it’s about to fall right off.

But he can’t give up, not yet. Adams has two outs and the fans are going wild, hooting and hollering for Dean to end this game with a bang. He’s already a strike in, and Dean’s eyes narrow at Lawrence’s catcher, Ash. He watches for Ash’s signal telling him to throw the fastball, then whips it as fast as he can.

“Strike two!” the umpire belts, and once again the crowd roars around them.

The energy is palpable, so much that Dean feels it in his bones. He can do this; he _will_ do this, win for Lawrence U and impress Angel all at the same time. After prepping for a minute, Dean raises his arm and throws a curveball, right into Ash’s waiting mitt.

“Strike three, that’s the game!” the umpire yells, and Dean fist pumps while the crowd explodes with cries of joy and chants of Dean’s name. A few seconds later he is surrounded by his teammates, bumping fists and elbows before they’re lined up to tell their opposing team ‘good game.’ After, everyone files into the locker room and they all rehash what went well before Coach Singer tells them to take it easy and be at practice first thing tomorrow morning. Everyone leaves after that, and soon enough Dean finds himself alone.

His post game adrenaline fades quickly and nerves takes its place when he checks his Tumblr app. Angel IM’d him when he was playing and said he’d meet Dean outside the locker room, and he’d bet anything once he walks through that door Angel will be waiting on the other side in that blue vest he promised he’d wear.

There should be nothing holding him back from packing up his things and finally meeting the guy he’s kinda, probably in love with, but just when he begins to imagine what Angel might possibly look like, Cas’s face comes into his head, eyes soft like they were that day when he told Dean he deserves to be saved. He tries to chase out the image, but it’s quickly replaced with a stream of others. Dean remembers the night him and Cas crossed the line between roommates to friends, smiling when a picture of Cas drunkenly wandering around their apartment reciting lines from Hocus Pocus pops up. He recalls the time Cas made him homemade tomato soup when he was sick, just like his Mom used to when he was a kid. He imagines Cas’s blue eyes when they had that staring contest freshman year, faces so close that it took all of Dean’s self control not to close the distance between them and lay his lips against Cas’s.

“Shit,” Dean mumbles to no one in particular, then falls onto the wooden bench beneath him.

He can’t do it, he realizes in that instant. He can’t be with Angel when he’s without a doubt in love with Cas. It wouldn’t be right.

Dean takes a few minutes to compose himself, wondering what he’s going to do. Angel’s out there. He has to be. What’s Dean going to say to him when they meet? “Sorry for coming all this way, but I can’t go through with this? Have fun driving back to wherever you came from?” He feels the need to run thrumming through his body, but he can’t leave without seeing Angel. He’s a lot of things, but a douche isn’t one of them.

He’s completely _screwed_.

“...Dean?”

 _Oh no,_ Dean thinks. This is not happening right now.

“Not a good time, Cas,” Dean moans, but that doesn’t stop Cas from walking timidly into the locker room, hands perched in his pockets.

“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly.

“What’s wrong? You’re what’s wrong, that’s what!” Dean exclaims, hands coming up to card through his hair.

“...Me?” Cas cries out. “Why me?”

“Because I can’t be with Angel because of you,” Dean admits and okay, he’s doing this. “I can’t be with Angel because I can’t get you out of my head. I can’t be with Angel because you’re all I think about anymore. I can’t be with Angel because all I can do is wonder what would happen if I just manned up and told you I love you! I can’t-”

“Dean!” Cas exclaims, rushing over to lay both hands on Dean’s biceps. “Dean, look at me. Really, really look at me.”

Dean takes a quick step back from Cas. What is Cas getting at? He’s got the usual trench on paired with his worn out Converse shoes, looking a lot like the Tenth Doctor with that blue vest-

_Wait. No way._

It all comes together very quickly after that. Angel has two brothers. Cas has two brothers. Angel comes from a religious family. Cas comes from a religious family. Angel’s hometown is Pontiac, Illinois. Cas’s hometown is Pontiac, Illinois. It’s all so _obvious_ that Dean doesn’t know why he didn’t connect the dots earlier.

“You’re Angel,” Dean croaks out, pushing Cas away as if he electrocuted him. “All this time, it was you.”

“Yes,” Cas whispers under his breath.

Dean doesn’t know what to do. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Cas reveal more about himself on Tumblr than he does in real life? Why did he go through this whole ordeal when he could’ve just told Dean outright that he’s got feelings for him? Why, why why?

“I...I guess you want to know why, right?” Cas asks with those damn baby blues gazing at him again.

Dean nods back quickly, and Cas gestures for him to take a seat on the bench. He complies, draping both legs over one side while Cas sits next to him.

“You know my people skills are rusty, as Gabriel would say,” Cas begins, staring a hole into the hands in his lap. “And with everyone around me always making fun of my eccentricities, it’s hard for me to trust, especially in romantic relationships. I’m sure you remember the fiasco with Bartholomew?”

“Ugh, I’d rather forget,” Dean mutters, recalling the douchebag who dated Cas for all of freshman year, only to dump him for a pretty blonde girl when Cas wouldn’t put out. It broke Cas, enough that he didn’t leave their dorm room for a week after the break up.

“He’s why I’ve always self sabotaged myself, only dating those whom I clearly could have no future with. I didn’t want to fall in love after he broke me that way. I tried to fight against it at any cost.

“But I wasn’t planning on falling for you, Dean,” he says with a truncated laugh, eyes coming up to glance at Dean before dropping back to the floor again. “I tried to ignore it for a long time, but after Crowley and I broke up I couldn’t deny my love for you.”

“Why Tumblr, then? Why not just tell me outright?” Dean asks, trying to pick through all the emotions he feels.

Cas quiets next to him and shrugs. “I see that it’s ridiculous now, but I needed to be sure you wouldn’t hurt me like Bartholomew did. I thought the best way to go about that would be to befriend you on Tumblr, explain all the things I was too scared to tell you in person. Then, when the time was right, I’d reveal myself, though I must admit I thought I’d get the courage sooner than I did.”

Dean rubs the palm of his hand over his face and gapes at the floor. Everything is twirling around him, and a plethora of emotions runs through Dean at all once. Confusion, bliss, anger, excitement, hurt, all roar through him, but one feeling sticks out above all the rest.

Love. Love radiates from his center and lights up the room around him. Love makes the resudial anger and hurt he feels over Cas not trusting him fade. Love breaks through the layers of confusion that pollute his mind.

Love conquers over everything else, he realizes quickly.

“This was a big mistake,” Cas murmurs when Dean doesn’t reply to his confession. He pushes up from the bench and begins walking towards the exit. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Dean.”

It takes a quick moment before Dean catches up, but when he does he pops up from his perch faster than he thought possible.

“Cas, wait!” he calls out, running until he grabs Cas’s elbow.

“Dean?” he begins to ask, but Dean’s not going to let him go any further.

Instead, he rushes forward and captures Cas’s lips in a kiss.

Fire roars through every fiber in his body when they collide. It takes a minute for Cas to catch up, but when he does it’s magical. He brings his fingers up to Dean’s head and lets them card through his hair, crushing their mouths closer together. Dean feels like butterflies are pummeling his gut when he maneuvers Cas against the lockers, hands begging for more purchase on Cas’s body. And when Cas takes his lip between his teeth, Dean practically _groans_ from how right it feels.

But it can’t last, and after a couple of heated moments between them they break apart, breathy and blown away.

“Wow,” Dean manages to get out when he wipes spit off his mouth.

“Wow,” Cas parrots back, a goofy smile on his face.

A minute of awkward silence goes by before Dean realizes they need to talk.

“Uh, wanna grab dinner? Talk about some things?” Dean asks.

Cas reaches between them and twines their fingers together. “I’d love that.”

They walk out of the locker room hand in hand, blush bright on Dean’s cheeks as they wander into the now empty ballpark. Cas leans into his touch and Dean knocks his hip into Cas’s, giggling like children when they make their way into the parking lot. And when they climb into Baby and Cas pulls him into a kiss, the fluttering in his chest nearly leaves him breathless.

“Want to go to the Roadhouse?” Cas muses when Dean turns on the ignition and drives out of the parking lot.

Dean only laughs. “Whatever you wish, Angel.”


End file.
